I promise that today you'd find nothing here but crap, so if you are in a good mood consider it as a warning to read no further. It is just my sulk (a result of a not-so-nonchalant mood) that is making me feel a bit out of place. Though the easier way out is simply to put the blame on the viral fever I dealt with this week, but I'd rather take the blame myself because I really really really feel like cribbing. Well, very frankly, if it hadn't been for my silent whining, I would have been really happy at this time of the year, especially with my birthday less than 3 weeks away. I just don't feel the excitement this year. I am actually surprised at the way I am acting (and reacting) with my birthday round the corner. Every July, you would find me doing my birthday shopping and look at me I haven't even started the routine this year. Actually, I do not even want any gifts this year 'coz I am not in mood of a celebration. I am not keeping any expectations from anybody, I said ANYBODY and I mean it..!! I don't wanna feel like a fool every time. And, therefore, I will not let anybody make me feel like one. That is a promise I am making to my own self. No discussions, no arguments.
Well, seriously this ain't taking me anywhere. And so I decided to put the blame on my laptop, which perhaps had had too much of me and decided that we shouldn't be seeing each other too often. It got exactly what it wanted and is not lying on my table, refusing to budge from its decision. So it is because of that bullshit laptop that I couldn't come online and of course couldn't take out the frustration that I had long intended to throw up.
Okay, next in line to take the blame are my friends and my family. Why can't they just understand that I need to share my feelings and I need to speak up in order to vent out the greyness of my life. Is it so difficult to understand? Or maybe I have been expecting too much from them too. And like the laptop, I have decided to end my relationship with these high expectations. I must have said that a hundred time before and have always given myself in to the argument that it is the fondness towards a person that makes you expect more and more. I still agree to this fact, coz it is a fact after all. But I think I'll keep the fondness aside for sometime. It is still not time to open a deck of cards but if you still want to get even, then suit yourself. I am not gonna say a word against anybody. Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't grown up. Not because I miss my own innocence, or the fun times I had or the simple life we lead or even the friends I had around me. I want to go back to being a kid because I was much stronger then. Maybe not stronger but the approach that I had towards life was different and, perhaps, correct.
Wouldn't it be easier to keep our mouths shut especially when the mind is ready to explode? Can't we just keep it all bottled up inside us and not say a word to anybody, whatsoever, whomsoever? Probably be like a champagne bottle that has astonishingly large amounts of carbon dioxide bubbles pushed inside that would disgorge the moment the bottle is uncorked. You could actually leave that part about disgorgement. I'd rather be a champagne bottle with a replaceable cork. That sounds like a much better and healthier idea. Seriously guys, why do we have to be so complicated. I mean here I was talking about how shitty my life has become and I have gotten down to thinking about a champagne bottle and how I could live like the bubble trapped inside. No seriously, this is crazy. I think I am going crazy. I feel I am unable to control my own thoughts. I don't really know what I am talking about and if I am even making any sense or not. To be honest I am not worried about it coz I am already feeling so much better. See, I told you. Cribbing helps. I think I should do it more often. But I was quite serious about the expectation part. We, as human beings, expect a lot from others. I think I am going to try it out very seriously this time. I know I'll be hurting myself more in the beginning when I'll force my brain to stop reacting but I am sure it will be for my own benefit. Oh God, I wish it isn't that difficult. No expectations, please. I think I'll be good without it.
And for those who have actually read this post, you don't really have to leave in a comment if you can't find the absolute correct thing to say. I mean, I would love it if you do say something but that's okay. After all this one was just a piece of shit. Well, actually even I don't say the right things at the right time. And I totally suck at empathizing (read: sympathizing).
God, you better be on my side. I think I am going a bit out of my mind. Bless me. Phew..!!