Things haven't been too good. Not personally and not even on the professional front. I have been working with my family for the past one year now and I cannot even count on my fingers, the ill-effects of working with the family. There are so many. I just want to break free. I want to be alone for some time. I want to spend time on my own. Just me.
You know, its sad to be a fresher and the junior most family member in the office. People don't regard you as a boss nor do they consider you to be one of them. Its like you can't say anything to anybody 'coz you know that they wouldn't listen to you. And when you need to talk and discuss something about your own self, you find yourself all alone. Why the heck would other employees confide in you and why would you confide in them considering you are the boss' daughter. They have some fixed perceptions about you which, at any cost, would not change.
Among a handful of employees, I found some peace in the department I am working in right now. Things were pretty good in the beginning. They still are good but as they say one bad apple spoils the entire bunch, things haven't been the same as they used to be. There is always one single element whom you cannot understand and when you understand its too late. Plus, I am always nagged by the other employees for being over friendly with one group. But I can't explain it to these assholes that I am a human being too. I need people around me. I need to talk. I want to be just myself. Laugh the way I want to and not be judged on my laughter for being a daughter of the boss. Bull shit. Fuck you. I am just too angry with every second person there.
I just want to be my own self. I really miss myself. I am not the person I was. The worst part is that I cannot tell anybody about it. I cannot explain. When I joined here, I really wanted to learn. I worked fine for the first few months but the absence of a person with whom I could share things affected my performance. I thought I'd get friendly with people of my age, but there were 10 people who stood up to complain that I don't work. Fuck you too.
My performance is just not the same anymore. I have lost the zeal to work. When my family asked me what the reason was I just couldn't tell them that I do not like it when people constantly keep an eye on me and the moment I get up from the chair everybody is interested in knowing what I am talking about and whom I am talking to. I just broke down. I couldn't say anything. And today they think that I am a useless girl who does not want to work at all.
I feel like a loser in front of my family as well as professionally.
I have had hard luck. It doesn't matter if I work the whole day but the moment I log in to my Facebook account or start to read somebody's blog (which has been considerably reduced), I always find someone nosing around ready to get up and complain.
I feel its becoming so bad that I have come to realize that I am gradually becoming more of a liability to the company.
I just want to be myself. That is it. I am sick and tired of being judged day in and day out.
And I am sick of being underestimated at all times.
All in all, I am losing out to the world. Family - they think I am useless. Friends - I don't find time (nor do they have time) to meet. Office - where I just cannot be myself. Love - which doesn't even exist. This isn't the life I want to lead.
Sometimes, I just feel like escaping. Like running away from the reality. And never coming back.
I know a lot of people around me would judge me on this post but lemme tell them that I just don't care. I wrote this post because I wanted to take it out from my heart and I don't care who reads it. And I didn't write it to remove it form my blog later. I have said what I wanted to and I ain't talking to anybody about it. Period.
To add fuel to the fire, lemme tell you that I missed the rain that came just a while ago. I was so busy whining that I didn't realize it was raining. And by the time I noticed, it was almost over. I missed it. But before it had started raining I was listening to this song on YouTube :
And this one too
I am feeling much better but I have lost my appetite.
Maybe, I'll just take a nap..