Sunday, July 11, 2010

You wont find anything useful, just my rants and raves

When I woke up this morning, I wasn't in the best of my moods. I felt as if suddenly the life has come to a stand still. There wasn't much that I could do about it but I could feel that things have been shaping up on their own in a way that is just not how I want them to be. I haven't been doing anything of late because I want to take a back seat and see life from the eyes of a spectator. I have this weird feeling that whatever is going on, I have nothing to do with it. Its just happening on its own. The only thing I am doing is going with the flow.

Things haven't been too good. Not personally and not even on the professional front. I have been working with my family for the past one year now and I cannot even count on my fingers, the ill-effects of working with the family. There are so many. I just want to break free. I want to be alone for some time. I want to spend time on my own. Just me.

You know, its sad to be a fresher and the junior most family member in the office. People don't regard you as a boss nor do they consider you to be one of them. Its like you can't say anything to anybody 'coz you know that they wouldn't listen to you. And when you need to talk and discuss something about your own self, you find yourself all alone. Why the heck would other employees confide in you and why would you confide in them considering you are the boss' daughter. They have some fixed perceptions about you which, at any cost, would not change.

Among a handful of employees, I found some peace in the department I am working in right now. Things were pretty good in the beginning. They still are good but as they say one bad apple spoils the entire bunch, things haven't been the same as they used to be. There is always one single element whom you cannot understand and when you understand its too late. Plus, I am always nagged by the other employees for being over friendly with one group. But I can't explain it to these assholes that I am a human being too. I need people around me. I need to talk. I want to be just myself. Laugh the way I want to and not be judged on my laughter for being a daughter of the boss. Bull shit. Fuck you. I am just too angry with every second person there.

I just want to be my own self. I really miss myself. I am not the person I was. The worst part is that I cannot tell anybody about it. I cannot explain. When I joined here, I really wanted to learn. I worked fine for the first few months but the absence of a person with whom I could share things affected my performance. I thought I'd get friendly with people of my age, but there were 10 people who stood up to complain that I don't work. Fuck you too.

My performance is just not the same anymore. I have lost the zeal to work. When my family asked me what the reason was I just couldn't tell them that I do not like it when people constantly keep an eye on me and the moment I get up from the chair everybody is interested in knowing what I am talking about and whom I am talking to. I just broke down. I couldn't say anything. And today they think that I am a useless girl who does not want to work at all.

I feel like a loser in front of my family as well as professionally.

I have had hard luck. It doesn't matter if I work the whole day but the moment I log in to my Facebook account or start to read somebody's blog (which has been considerably reduced), I always find someone nosing around ready to get up and complain.

I feel its becoming so bad that I have come to realize that I am gradually becoming more of a liability to the company.

I just want to be myself. That is it. I am sick and tired of being judged day in and day out.

And I am sick of being underestimated at all times.

All in all, I am losing out to the world. Family - they think I am useless. Friends - I don't find time (nor do they have time) to meet. Office - where I just cannot be myself. Love - which doesn't even exist. This isn't the life I want to lead.

Sometimes, I just feel like escaping. Like running away from the reality. And never coming back.

I know a lot of people around me would judge me on this post but lemme tell them that I just don't care. I wrote this post because I wanted to take it out from my heart and I don't care who reads it. And I didn't write it to remove it form my blog later. I have said what I wanted to and I ain't talking to anybody about it. Period.

To add fuel to the fire, lemme tell you that I missed the rain that came just a while ago. I was so busy whining that I didn't realize it was raining. And by the time I noticed, it was almost over. I missed it. But before it had started raining I was listening to this song on YouTube :


Aate jaate hanste gaate 
Socha tha maine mann mein kai baar
Vo pehli nazar halka sa asar
Karta hai kyon is dil ko bekaraar
Ruk ke chalna chalke rukna
Na jaane tumhein hai kiska intezaar
Tera vo yakeen kahin main to nahin
Lagta hai yahi kyon mujhko baar baar
Yehi sach hai shaayad maine pyaar kiya
Haan haan tumse maine pyaar kiya


Here, enjoy the song and lift up your mood




And this one too





Enjoy people...

I am feeling much better but I have lost my appetite.

Maybe, I'll just take a nap..

23 comments:

Mehak said...

Chanz, i hope you're all right... you know, reading this post i felt like you were saying a lot of the things that i often want to say but somehow don't find the words or courage to. i know you probably feel very lost and a deep sense of futility or pointlessness coz life just seems strange and nothing like what you would want it to be, and i don't have any words of comfort to offer u (you probably don't even require them) but all i can say is that you're not alone.. i'm sure a lot of people feel exactly like this, albeit for different reasons and in different circumstances... i hope it gets better for you, though... coz i like to believe in that saying: 'this too shall pass'.
cheer up. :)

Chanz said...

I am ok.. bas not too good.. its just a hope that it too shall pass.. :)

thanks sweety for being so supportive

Sakshi said...

I empathize with you all he way. I do. And in more ways than one.

Pratik Gupta said...

Hey Chanz: Two sets of advice in a management guru style:
1.Accept, Adapt and evolve.
2. Live it up, Drink it down ar laugh it up.

And this one from a friend:

What the hell. Balls to them. Live the life the way you want too...you should only try to convince yourself that you are not useless...Rest all including family doesn't matter. trust me.

Punia said...

Be urself bey....dnt do things to please sum1...u r d man...u r d man

Atul said...

... open ur blog... and notice the 'girl', so calm and smiling and if i can see that little spark in her eyes i bet u can do that as well... so get up give one tight slap on ur face... and put that ice pack on ur eyes... then listen to some 'hardcore rock' on ur headphones... and if u STILL feel down... repeat the process... ;-)

Shivani said...

WTF... baby.. you need a muuuaaaaahhh and a hug... Are you feeling better now?

Chal gall sun.. maar goli yaar... see man.. life's not about letting other people's attitude take a toll on you... you have to be very strong if you want to survive. People backbite you, emit all sort of negative energy but you have to still laugh it off.. thats the way to be...I understand there are times when "being strong" seems a distant possibility. At such time, you should just run away somewhere... maybe for a day... meet a friend, relax at home watching tv, go for a mini holiday.. just anything man... you can't lose it .... Right?

Anjali Gaur said...

I geniunely think if i say "i understand" you know that it is right.......
Just wanted to tell that everyone face such phase in their life but definateky this will pass and one day you will be laughing on this situation......like we do all the time.....
And lastly, i am honoured to be among people with whom you are happy.....
We LOVE OUR HAPPY SINGING DANCING CHANDNI......

laddu said...

hmmm..abey i have just 1 question.. if u r not happy working with ur family, why are u dere?? i m sure u r qualified enough 2 find a decent job at some other place.. just ask urself what is more imp for u - happiness of working in ur dad's office.. ppl will talk but after some time will forget everything and u will be happy.. u want 2 escape, run away.. not a bad idea yaar.. run away 4m dis job and find another one..

Chanz said...

@ Sakshi : thanks girl.. :)

Chanz said...

@ Pratik : thanks for the advice man.. really appreciate it.. I'll follow the two bullet points for sure... :)

Chanz said...

@ Atul : hahaha.. thanks... :P

Chanz said...

@ shivani : thanks sweety... u made me feel better... I think I badly need a vacation..

Chanz said...

@ anjali : thanks for being there.. :)

Chanz said...

@ laddu : its not the right time.. I will in the near future but it still isnt the time to change the job..

supriya said...

chanz sometimes life gets too rough and we can't do anything about it. we just "go with the flow". Just don't let yourself shatter. Cry as much as you want....abuse as much as you can....but ultimately have the least strength to pull yourself together..thats the most important thing to do.
And rest....everything is gonna be just fine..!! so :)
PS- sorry for late comment...but i somehow missed to read this post..!

Nirati said...

Don't worry about the family- they have a warped sense of reality and what should or should not be or what one is supposed to do with their life. Everyone at home needs to look at themselves first before the free advice starts pouring out. Can you see anyone doing anything worthwhile besides going through the mundane routine of life? Are they really enjoying their life - I don't think so because they are more caught up in useless unimportant stuff! The most important thing is to be yourself and do what you love to do. I say quit the job- start writing and enjoying the finer things in life! Don't be depressed we support you all the way! Keep writing

Shalini said...

Chanz, all I can do is give you a big warm hug and tell you that we bloggers are always there for you.
Take Care

@ease said...

m confident, u will overcome this situation very soon.
beer hug...!

Chanz said...

@ supriya : thats ok swetey.. No problem..

Chanz said...

@ Nirati : I really hope its you bhabhi who is writing this comment.. and if it really is you then I am so glad you came here... I wish I could make everyone understand that there is more to life than leading a mundane life.. :(

Chanz said...

@ shalini : thanks girl.. :) hugs to you too..

Chanz said...

@ @ease : beer hug ya bear hug.. U decide... I wouldn't mind either.. :D