Thursday, July 1, 2010

A life that I want

I don't know how I am going to tell you this but I would try to explain in the best possible words. Something happened to me while I was sitting in the office today. I mean, I just wanted the time to stop around me. You know, like the way they show in the movies. Everything around you comes to a stand still and you are the only one moving. Or better still, everything around you is moving at its regular pace and you are the one who stops then and there. I know, I am not able to explain the exact feeling I had but I just wanted to be alone that very moment. I just wanted to walk out and drive back home with loud music playing in the car, not enjoying the music alone but the weather too.

Guys, you know what, I have this burning desire to live a very simple life. I was just trying to imagine myself in it. A life in which there is nothing much to think about. A life in which I do not have to deal with the complexities that otherwise come free with the surroundings and the people living in it. I don't just want a simple life, but a simple mind too. 

I have an image in my mind of a simple life. And that is something I crave for. Yes, crave is the right word. Hunger is what I can relate it too. A hunger to make my life simple. 

I often imagine myself living in a house all by myself. A house built the way I want it to be. Every nook and corner to be decorated according to my likings. I yearn to be lost in my thought probably working on a story, a piece of fiction. Sitting in the balcony, I watch the rain drops as they fall upon the leaves making them look greener and more fresh. While I sip my coffee, I let my mind wander in all directions guided by emotions that make a person smile and yet leaves a mark by bringing a tear to the eye. I want to feel the emotions and not just watch them go by. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel the happiness. I want to feel all that I see everyday.

I want to enjoy the rain which I haven't done for the past 10 years. A dance in the rain would make me happy and that happiness is what I want to feel. Perhaps, I want my tears to flow as the rain drops fall on my face. I want to feel that sorrow too. I want to live in a place where nobody would stare at my t-shirt getting wet and transparent while I stand in the rain. I just want to spend some time alone. A time that I can spend understanding emotions in their purest form. 

I want to watch children play. I want to hear the birds chirp. I want to smell the fragrance that comes from the wet mud. I want to hear the oceans roar. I want to watch the sun set beyond the horizon. I want to feel the wind blowing against my face. I want to sit silently thinking about nothing in particular. I want to enjoy that very moment to the fullest. 

I know, a lot of people might not really understand what I actually want. All I can say is that I do not want to sit in the front of the computer working all day in a closed office space where the mind does nothing but think about money. I don't want to be surrounded by bills and invoices and documents and all the paper work that we do in a usual office setup. Thats not what I want to live for. It is not the life that I could have imagined ever. It is not the life that would leave me content. 

Its not that I want to live alone all my life. Like every other person, I want to get married. I too want to spend my life with a man who loves me more than he has ever loved anyone before. I want to have my own children. But there is something I want to do before I have my own family. I want to live my life alone. It does not mean that I will not stay in touch with anyone, not even my parents. Hell, no. Thats not it. But I want to go to a place where people don't know me. I want to spend time thinking. All alone. I want to do all those things which wouldn't be possible after I get married. I want to go to a place where a woman can walk peacefully and not fear being stalked on the way. I just want to live life my own way.

And if I still don't make sense to you, go watch Wake Up Sid. You know what, when I saw this movie I had this feeling that the makers of this movie have read my mind. It is so much similar to my own desires. I just wish my life could be like that of Konkona Sen in the movie. 

Watch this song and see my emotions flow through




26 comments:

Renu said...

I know how you feel, because even I want that..take a vacation alone, may you will get a feel.

oRange* said...

I exactly get what you're trying to say!
But I guess, everyone is hungry for a *simple* life right?

About Wake up Sid, hell yeah! Konkona's life rocked and the best part being Ranbir :D

Im sorry, I deviated but yeah ..It's true :P

The Bald Guy said...

Sigh.

Us humans are mostly the same, right? I mean same feelings? Same emotions generally? Same desires?

I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and grant you your wishes, but each of us has to go through life ourselves.

So Good Luck sister!

Hugs!

Chanz said...

@ Renu : Thats exactly what I want to do. But I don't want a vacation. I want a long break. Maybe a year.

Chanz said...

@ Orange : I want somebody like ranbir as my boyfriend / husband. A photographer to be more precise...

Chanz said...

@ TBG : U didnt have to bring me back to reality.. you are rightly called the bald guy... Gah..!!!!!!!!!!!

supriya said...

You know chanz..all i can say is you stole my mind in this post..!! This post is so meeee...in every aspect of it!! And I love you for that...
I can copy and paste the whole post on my blogpost because I think exactly the same...not even a word here and there...!!! I love it...
and I am so muhc into Wake Up Sid and the character of Konkona..!! And loud applauses to you from my side here..

stefy said...

As long as you live as a singelton life would be simple...but when people get added upto your life..it gets complex

A complex life is a sign of selfless life

sepo said...

your post just seemed like you wrote my mind...>!!

sigh.

Nipun said...

Many people can relate to u chanz..
Hats off to u..
Lovely cravings or i should say hungers u have,,,,

May u get what u want but please never ever forget me and the writing part so that i can have a plunge in ur life..

Cheers

Nuts

Sakshi said...

I wish that too... so many times.. just could never come up with it. Very well said...

Amrit said...

The only problem is we wait for things to happen. Just do it. Stop responding to the brain for few moments. Try it, the trick works like wonder :)

Shivani said...

whoa.... man take this "feel" thing from me. I'm tired of feeling, and most tired of feeling the pain. Phew... Emotions and such !!!

They such life out of you...
And hola.... if you want the ogling bastards to not ogle at your drenched clothes, you gotta be in a different world... coz in this world

atleast, you won't find such place.. ;-)
You really think life could be as simple as watching children play and hearing birds chirp??
Don't you feel like slapping a kid tight when you just kissed him affectionately and he peed in your lap? And after a few seconds, even

the chirping of the birds seems irritating..

I totally undersand your wish to go away somewhere... I'm going to Rishikesh soon to live in an ashram for 4-5 days.. wanna come

along? As much as I know that if I want peace of mind I have to find it in my own self rather than searching for it in Rishikesh or

Haridwar, I am taking this much needed mini break..

And about Wake up Sid, trust me.. its only a movie darling... I'm almost living the life of Konkona Singh and its fun being independent

and your own master but then not every part of one's life can be perfect.. when one thing is right, the other one goes for a toss....

But you know what? One should never stop hoping and dreaming... Good luck with your dreams :)

Chanz said...

@ Supriya : *a big grin* hehehe... thanks sweety.. :)

Chanz said...

@ Stefy : True bt we do need some time alone...

Chanz said...

@ sepo : thanks girl.. :)

Chanz said...

@ NIpun : dont worry.. i'll never forget the people who came in my life through this blog.. :)

Chanz said...

@ sakshi : glad to know that there ae so many people who think like me...

Chanz said...

@ Amrit: well, its not easy... See, I am already thinking about it.. :D

Chanz said...

@ shivani : kabhi to accept kar liya kar... U r a such a fighter..err.. ladaku... :P

Shivani said...

Abe two years back I would've accepted most of the things you talk now.... but a lot has changed in these frikkin 2 years, I have changed... FISSSHHHHHHH

Vaise maana na.... going away somewhere wali baat... solid thi boss :-P

vandy said...

hmmmmm and we ppl can enjoy all those things but at present all we want is a job like u have mentioned
strange
but true
we'll never be satisfied with what we have

Wicked Witch of the West said...

I totally relate to this. Totally. Even when 8 years old I dreamed of that :) And, the way you described it, made it a vivid dream again :) Simpler is good.

Mehak said...

i felt like i was reading an exact description of all the things i want yet somehow can't put into words!
i too want to live alone for sometime before getting married...
but Chanz, there are somethings you have mentioned which you can do NOW too - like dancing in the rain and all - just let go of everything and do the things that make you happy! why haven't u danced in the rain since 10 years?? you should do it - it's therapeutic!

Shalini said...

Amazing post.
Take a vacation Chanz, go by yourself to a place that you just described, probably Kerala...do what you want. Life's too short to just hang on to fantasies...:)...live them!

anjali said...

Yaar!! you made me feel nostalgic... Konkana Sen of wake up Sid is realy adorable and yes i want to have a bit of same life, the only thing is i am afraid whether there will be any Ranbir Kapoor or not...