Sunday, July 25, 2010

Little things that matter

I had gone to the mall today. I wasn't in the best of my moods (don't ask me why because I don't know either). It was just a routine mood swing and I had been silent the whole day. And then something happened that made me smile for a little while. 

Let me not waste time. I'l come straight to the incident. I had to use the washroom (everybody does, so don't raise your eyebrows. I ain't talking filthy). Now, as I entered the rest room, there was a maid (I don't know if she is called by a specific name, but the point is that she is the one who sweeps and cleans the toilets). So she was sitting just behind the door and I had, perhaps, hit her as I opened the what door. I just said a quick sorry and moved on. But she hurriedly got up and stopped me from using the washroom. I was a bit taken aback and I couldn't really understand what was going inside. She asked me to come out of the loo. And then she said, "aap yahan ruko, main dekh leti hun ki seat saaf hai ya nahi" (you wait here, lemme check whether the seat is clean or not). Saying this she wiped the seat even though it was already clean, and tore put a big chunk from the toilet roll and covered the bin so that I couldn't see the dirty things inside. 

Trust me, it was the first time I had seen something of this sort. Well, you might say that its her job to keep the washroom clean but who bothers to do that in a mall. Besides, it is something that you would do on your own. If it hadn't been for that woman, and if the toilet seat had been dirty, I would have cribbed for not more than 5 secs, cursed the one who had used it before me and I would automatically put a tissue around it. I mean, seriously guys, I had entered the toilet when she asked me to come out and she cleaned it. I was really impressed. I had made a mental note to leave her a tenner for her commendable gesture but when I came out she had just vanished. She wasn't there. 

Don't you guys think that it was really nice of her to do something like that. Its not a five star hotel or even a restaurant where the rest rooms are kept spick and span. It was a mall, for Christ's sake. 

Anyway, it was really impressive. Maybe, I'll remember it for a long time. 

By the way, it is my bhai and bhabhi's anniversary today. I had gifted them a pair of ceramic fish (see below) for their new home. I had also written a sort-of-poem to go with it. Read on and lemme know how do you find it.

The Buddhist say so,
So do the Christians,
The Hindus and the Jains too.
The ancient oceanic explorers
have been awed by their findings from the deep

A fish is much more than a fish,
For it gives you wisdom,
And makes your brain sharp enough to reason.
The one in Gold brings good fortune,
Peace and prosperity, in your life, all attuned.
With its eyes open at all times, 
It'll bring to you 
A panorama of harmony, uninterrupted.
It'll teach you to be like itself,
with no fear to drown in the ocean of sufferings.
On this special occasion, 
I pass on to you the fish in Gold 
May these fish fill your home
with its golden-red-orange brilliance 
and fill your life with these vibrant hues.

Well, to be truthful, this is the first time I wrote a poem which doesn't not talk about emotions and feelings in general. The first time I wrote about something tangible. So I really really really want an honest feedback.. 

Friday, July 23, 2010

The colours of emotions

What was once so vivid, now seems so livid.
Without a trace of colour, uninteresting for others.
What was once an assemblage of coloured glass, a mosaic,
Now looks a dull creation of prosaic,
Ordinary and unglamorous.
Once I wanted it to be all jazzy
But now it remains pallid, so lifeless.
My inclination to show it to the world exists no more.
My life has always been a multifaceted prism,
Every angle produced a different colour every time
And now it has been reduced to a plane glass
A dull lifeless colour goes in and the same comes out.
Nothing extravagant. No razzle-dazzle. Just a plane simple life.
Sometimes, I get afraid and I hide myself under my shell.
For I don't wan't them to see me wrecked and lonely,
I don't want them to know that its not the same anymore.
It was you who made the colours come alive,
It was you who made my life close to a kaleidoscope,
So vibrant and yet so unusual.
Its not the same without you.
I know, it'll take some time for you to return,
And till then, you'll find me living,
On the colours that you had embellished,
In my heart and in my soul.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Memories, and you..!!

Lying on the bed, I found nothing better to do
I stared at the ceiling above,
Perhaps trying to unpuzzle what the future beholds
not just for me, but for you as well.
But my quest to understand the future was long forgotten
In no time, I was lost in the maze so divine
My eyes filled with tears and my lips twitched
Emotions that brought you close,
slowly formed a dense cloud right in front of my eyes
Tossing and turning, the memories bedazzled
My thoughts unraveled, my mind entangled
Deeper and deeper I went into the labyrinth
with bewildering complexities, woven together.
My mind raced, I didn't want to waste any time
Of the little time I had, I just wanted to think about you
Everything else could wait, 
Wait for a lifetime, perhaps. 
This moment, it was just you
How I longed for you to be near
Hold my hand and hug me tight
For all the days and nights we have spent alone
Make up for all the time that has already been lost
They say, distance makes the heart grow fonder
I want to believe them, I really do, but I better not.
For I don't want the distance to come between us
I want you with me, right on my side.
No, I am not taking any chance.
Let there not be any distance
Come closer and lets not make our love, history.
Lets keep it fresh, the way it always was.
You have been gone for sometime,
But your memories never left me. 
Its all fresh and its coming back to me.
The first time you held my hand
The first time you hugged me
The first time you kissed me
The first time you made love to me
The first time you bent down to wipe my tears.
I remember it all, and I wouldn't even forget
For moments that have gone by 
and for my moments that are yet to come 
Come honey, come back to me
Come, kiss me and hold me tight
Don't let the distance come between us.
I miss you today, but tomorrow it'll be you
and if you miss me, don't frown at the thought 
because I didn't walk away, it was you who had let me go.
Come honey, come back to me
with arms wide open, I wait for your return
Come, kiss me and hold me tight
Come, before its too late.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

This one's for you @ease, my 100th post

I came to write something else but then I realized that this is going to be my 100th post. I wasn't in a very good mood (for reasons which must I have already talked about in some of my previous posts) but now I am all smiles.

I feel so good to have successfully and quite willingly crossed 100 posts. 100 freaking posts.


So lemme write something for the guy, @ease, who introduced me to writing. I am sure you must have read this name a lot of times on my blog. I can't help it, I am so obsessed with him. hihihahaha (my very own devilish laugh)

so here it is for you, @ease:

Pleasures came alive
when you set your foot into my life
Days, weeks and months went by
and never did you make me cry
A passion, you found
devotion, as it may sound
for real, I started to write
with my utmost delight
when months turned into an year
I could still see you so near
My love, I want you to remain
even if from writing, I refrain
for you are the one who changed my life
from a girl so dumb to a girl 'all-right'.

Okay, @ease now stop throwing a tantrum and give me a call.

PS : This is my first attempt at making a poem rhyme. I could just get to rhyme simple words, I know I am too bad at it.

PPS : Since I just celebrated my blog's first birthday, a month back, I simply couldn't understand what more I could have written at such an occasion.

PPPS : I love you all...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

You wont find anything useful, just my rants and raves

When I woke up this morning, I wasn't in the best of my moods. I felt as if suddenly the life has come to a stand still. There wasn't much that I could do about it but I could feel that things have been shaping up on their own in a way that is just not how I want them to be. I haven't been doing anything of late because I want to take a back seat and see life from the eyes of a spectator. I have this weird feeling that whatever is going on, I have nothing to do with it. Its just happening on its own. The only thing I am doing is going with the flow.

Things haven't been too good. Not personally and not even on the professional front. I have been working with my family for the past one year now and I cannot even count on my fingers, the ill-effects of working with the family. There are so many. I just want to break free. I want to be alone for some time. I want to spend time on my own. Just me.

You know, its sad to be a fresher and the junior most family member in the office. People don't regard you as a boss nor do they consider you to be one of them. Its like you can't say anything to anybody 'coz you know that they wouldn't listen to you. And when you need to talk and discuss something about your own self, you find yourself all alone. Why the heck would other employees confide in you and why would you confide in them considering you are the boss' daughter. They have some fixed perceptions about you which, at any cost, would not change.

Among a handful of employees, I found some peace in the department I am working in right now. Things were pretty good in the beginning. They still are good but as they say one bad apple spoils the entire bunch, things haven't been the same as they used to be. There is always one single element whom you cannot understand and when you understand its too late. Plus, I am always nagged by the other employees for being over friendly with one group. But I can't explain it to these assholes that I am a human being too. I need people around me. I need to talk. I want to be just myself. Laugh the way I want to and not be judged on my laughter for being a daughter of the boss. Bull shit. Fuck you. I am just too angry with every second person there.

I just want to be my own self. I really miss myself. I am not the person I was. The worst part is that I cannot tell anybody about it. I cannot explain. When I joined here, I really wanted to learn. I worked fine for the first few months but the absence of a person with whom I could share things affected my performance. I thought I'd get friendly with people of my age, but there were 10 people who stood up to complain that I don't work. Fuck you too.

My performance is just not the same anymore. I have lost the zeal to work. When my family asked me what the reason was I just couldn't tell them that I do not like it when people constantly keep an eye on me and the moment I get up from the chair everybody is interested in knowing what I am talking about and whom I am talking to. I just broke down. I couldn't say anything. And today they think that I am a useless girl who does not want to work at all.

I feel like a loser in front of my family as well as professionally.

I have had hard luck. It doesn't matter if I work the whole day but the moment I log in to my Facebook account or start to read somebody's blog (which has been considerably reduced), I always find someone nosing around ready to get up and complain.

I feel its becoming so bad that I have come to realize that I am gradually becoming more of a liability to the company.

I just want to be myself. That is it. I am sick and tired of being judged day in and day out.

And I am sick of being underestimated at all times.

All in all, I am losing out to the world. Family - they think I am useless. Friends - I don't find time (nor do they have time) to meet. Office - where I just cannot be myself. Love - which doesn't even exist. This isn't the life I want to lead.

Sometimes, I just feel like escaping. Like running away from the reality. And never coming back.

I know a lot of people around me would judge me on this post but lemme tell them that I just don't care. I wrote this post because I wanted to take it out from my heart and I don't care who reads it. And I didn't write it to remove it form my blog later. I have said what I wanted to and I ain't talking to anybody about it. Period.

To add fuel to the fire, lemme tell you that I missed the rain that came just a while ago. I was so busy whining that I didn't realize it was raining. And by the time I noticed, it was almost over. I missed it. But before it had started raining I was listening to this song on YouTube :

Aate jaate hanste gaate 
Socha tha maine mann mein kai baar
Vo pehli nazar halka sa asar
Karta hai kyon is dil ko bekaraar
Ruk ke chalna chalke rukna
Na jaane tumhein hai kiska intezaar
Tera vo yakeen kahin main to nahin
Lagta hai yahi kyon mujhko baar baar
Yehi sach hai shaayad maine pyaar kiya
Haan haan tumse maine pyaar kiya

Here, enjoy the song and lift up your mood

And this one too

Enjoy people...

I am feeling much better but I have lost my appetite.

Maybe, I'll just take a nap..

Saturday, July 10, 2010


This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 12; the twelfth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Star light, Start bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight

Standing in the balcony, he gave a dirty look to the stars above. Though it was already 8 o'clock in the night but he could still see a tinge of blue and he cursed the stars even more for giving light to the otherwise dark and dull sky. That was unfair. Nobody deserved the light more than he did and yet everybody managed to get everything and he was left alone. Life had been unfair to him.

He hummed the star light star bright rhyme again. It must have been the thousandth time that he repeated it that day. He had no clue what reminded him of the nursery rhyme that he always sang as a kid, but it did leave a lingering effect on him when he first sang it in the morning, probably after 55 years. But he had to agree that he felt young again. Like a kid. All he wanted to do was sing and jump but his knees felt wobbly. This time he cursed his low blood pressure for making him feel older than he was. At 60, he could barely walk.

He turned his back, the enormous expanse of darkness now stood behind him. He was now facing his penthouse apartment at the top of the high rise building, perhaps the highest in the entire Vancouver city. He sat down on the chair in the balcony

Today, Harsh felt lonely. He wished, he was back in his own country. Among his own people. His wife. His children. Canada had given him billions, more than what his wife and his three children could live on. He had built an estate single handedly and the years spent away from home were very dear to him. But not anymore. Now that his worth was in billions, he wanted to go back. But there were hungry scavengers waiting for him with blood-shot eyes, ready to pounce on him at the mere sight of the green bucks. They wouldn't care if he was dead or alive. All they wanted was his money. They hardly called him up to inquire about his health. But he couldn't blame his children for anything. He was their culprit. In his greed to make money, he had desolated them when they needed him the most. And today, he couldn't blame them for they had inherited his greed. Life father, like sons.

Harsh Karekar, the name that was worth $17 billion, had absolutely no worth when it came to his personal life. The man who had come to Canada with absolutely nothing in hand but a dream in his eyes to make it big, had every bit of money today but still had a feeling of emptiness inside.

A small tear escaped from his eyes as his past hovered over him. He remembered his plight when he was a kid. His father worked as a driver, earning a meagre amount of Rs. 400 a month. He had never let his low income affect Harsh' life. When Harsh was 7 years old, he had a wish to own a bicycle just like his dad's employer's son had. The very next day, he saw one parked outside their house, perhaps the only one in the entire village. Harsh was a keen learner. He was sent to an English-medium school only because his father did not want his son to lead a life that he was deprived of. When Harsh turned 17, he wished to study further, something that was uncommon in their society. His father did not have money to send to him to the university. But he was wanted to fulfill his son's wish and sent to the university to study science with the money he got by selling his mother's jewellery. Harsh was sharp. He grasped everything that was taught to him. His father never felt that he had made a wrong decision. He was always proud of Harsh. He made every effort to provide Harsh with all that he wished for, no matter how difficult it was and how expensive it was. Harsh was always a good boy.

But a man who knows more than others becomes ambitious. And Harsh became over ambitious. His over ambitiousness made him hungry for money. Love was definitely not a solution to subside his hunger. He wanted money. Pure money. He married a homely girl who studied at the same university as he did, only her dad was richer and ofcourse it showed him the simplest route for earning some quick money. In a span of 10 years, he was done with his MBA, had a stable job and had three good looking sons. But Harsh had plans which no one knew about. Not even his wife. His sons did not excite him nor did they ignite a feeling a love in him. He left them and came to Canada, a city that had made his dreams come true. And today he had money. Lots of it. And it was all his. But after 30 years of running behind money, he had no one else in his life but the crisp notes that couldn't buy him any happiness.

Harsh stood up from the chair and took his place near the railing. The sky was full of stars. Stars that would have carried his wish. His wish would have come true if he had not looked at the sky with a look so devil that the stars turned their back towards him. He wished to go back to his family. He wanted to see his cheerful wife, whom he had not seen for the last 30 years. He wanted to hold her close and make up for the lost 30 years that she had spent in his absence. He wanted to hug his three sons, whom he had met barely a couple of times. He knew that his sons hated him. They did not want to meet him. All they wanted was his money. He was ready to give them all his money. He wished he could turn back the time. The time when his sons were young and in need of a father. He wanted to play with his sons, one thing that they were deprived of. He instantly remembered his father, who had never let him feel that they were poor. He remembered his bicycle. He had no clue whether his sons got one or not. He never bothered to know. But today, he wanted to buy the best bicycles for his sons. He wanted to teach them how to ride a bicycle. And when they fall down from it, he wanted to hug them and say," its just a minor scratch". He wanted to see his sons grow up. He tried to remember the names of the schools and colleges they went to. Sadly, he couldn't remember any. In his greed, he had forgotten everything that had to do with his small family. His sons were now grown ups, two of whom were married too. He didn't know whether he had any grandchildren. He just wanted to go back.

This was his little wish.

He looked up at the sky. He saw the stars again. This time, he cursed them all the more for they wouldn't carry his wish and make it come true. He started singing the star light star bright rhyme again, this time a little louder than before. Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. Still looking at the sky, he started counting the stars in his mind. I wish I may, I wish I might. He heaved in a sigh of relief. Have the wish I wish tonight. Saying this, he jumped from the balcony of his penthouse leaving his entire estate to his beloved children, his last wish unknown to them all and to be burned along with his corpse. 

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Why do people betray?

I am a regular reader of the column Inner Voice that comes in The Hindustan Times. There have been very few instances when I have disagreed with the fine words of wisdom written in this column. And today was one such day when I couldn't get myself to agree. In today's article, the columnist talked about what makes people betray. Not that I completely disagree with him but there are other reasons which may cause betrayal more than anything else.

In the column, the focus was on three basic reasons which lead to betrayal. They are as follows :

1) Excessive ambition, lust, greed or passion, which when not controlled, makes room for betrayal.
2) The feeling that betrayal is necessary to achieve a greater good. In this case, the betrayal is done for a good cause.
3) When people want to prove how smart they are.

If you want to read the full article, click here.

Okay, apart of the second reason, I totally agree with the columnist. See, betrayal is not a good thing. It is always considered to be a negative circumstance which erupts when a relationship turns bad or it has no future. It can never be done for a good cause. And if at all it is done to bring good to others, then I would call it a compromise and definitely not a betrayal. 

Now, what set me thinking was that there is something else that causes a person to betray and it is because of that reason that the above mentioned reasons hold true. All I mean to say is that there is a key factor which aggravates a person to betray. And that key factor depends on the kind of relationship that two people share. I am a keen believer of the fact that a distance relationship does not work in the long run. No, that is not the end of my statement. A distance relationship does not work in the long run unless, I repeat, unless the love is continually infused into the relationship by the two people in it. The love must not die. And the love will not die if the two people are constantly in touch and are vocal enough about their relationship and their love for each other. Please, lets not talk about how long distance relationships worked in the past when there were no telephones, emails, facebook and chat messengers. Times have changed and so have our preferences and our way of thinking. 

In very simple words, you cannot expect a relationship to work if either of the person feels dejected or does not put in an extra effort which is needed for obvious reasons. It's quite easy to understand actually. When you are together or in the same city, you do not feel his / her absence even if the number of calls and meetings are less. But as the distance increases, the meeting will be reduced considerably which needs to be compensated with the telephone calls or chat messages. And if they are not, the attention which you used to get somehow drops to a bare minimum and eventually you start seeking attention from other sources. That is when betrayal comes in. 

Basically, I wanted to say that the absence of love in a relationship forces a person to betray. Take my word on that. Experience, huh..!! 

Gah..!! I think I am getting too philosophical. 

Saturday, July 3, 2010

My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes

I saw this tag on TBG's blog. And thought of taking it up even though I wasn't tagged.

If you are a woman,
Have you ever wanted something that is considered ‘manly’ ? Like a basketball, a cell phone, a dog, a camera or a new laptop? A new car or motor bike? Ever wanted to be a pilot? A doctor or not a nurse? And the manliest want of them all – The remote! ;)
As a kid did you enjoy playing with a bat and a ball?
There was a time when books were considered ‘manly’, women authors had to pretend to be men – would you say books are still rather manly – women should want to embroider and crochet?
If you are a man,
Have you ever wanted something that only women are supposed to want – like bags, shoes, clothes, creams, perfumes, babies, flowers? A peaceful home and a happy family? Have you ever been afraid of the dark or of insects?
As a kid did you ever want to play ‘teacher-teacher’, cooking or did you like playing with a doll? Have you ever enjoyed cooking? Bought something in pink? Loved chocolates?

I am supposed to mention 10 things that I have ever wanted which shouldn't really be a trait of a woman.

So here it goes.

1) I hate pink. I am not one those girls who goes like, "awwwwww pink" on seeing anything of that colour be it a dress, lip colour, earings, bags, colour of the walls or even a pen. I like hues of blue, green and (I warn u, don't be shocked) grey. I love grey. I still don't understand how people wear pink (this one is for guys too). Actually, to tell you the truth, I cannot stand baby pink. Anything in that colour is despised by me and I own absolutely nothing in this colour. If at all I have anything in pink then it is in a dark fuschia pink, which is more like it. But I would still prefer grey to pink. Eagerly.

2) I like playing the man's role when I am out with a guy. I am the one who is more than keen to order a drink and sit at the bar (okay, sometimes it isn't comfortable so I just let it skip). I don't mind paying if it is a date. Infact, I wouldn't agree if the guy pays. It feels great when you take a guy out for lunch rather than he taking you out. And I love buying gifts for guys even thought there aren't many options available.

3) I hate cooking. This is something which I just don't wan't to learn. I know that once I get married, it will be needed for sure but for now, lets not talk about it. 

4) Cars and speed go hand in hand when it comes to me. If I come across a handsome dude driving one of the best cars around, my eyes tend to miss his handsomeness. I would rather look at the car, the guy definitely comes in later when my mind starts calculating what would it take to get to that car. And you know what, I love speeding. Whenever I get on a nice wide road, my excitement shows on the accelerator. I don't drive like the other women drivers who hold on to the steering wheel with both their hands and raise their head a little in order to see the road ahead. I don't do that. I love driving with one arm resting on the window and the other one on the steering wheel. And And And. I love driving with loud music playing in my car. 

5) I generally don't spend time staring at my wardrobe and deciding what to wear and what not to wear. I just pick up whatever is on the top and I am done. I don't spend hours introspecting and contemplating what would look good on me. I just need 5 mins after my shower and I am done. Ready to hop out.

6) I love to hear guys talk. Atleast they don't talk about earings and purses and sandals and nail paints. Frankly, I have very little to contribute when a group of girls talk about their clothes. I am more interested in whats going on with the computer, the mobile phones, the cars and gadgets in general. 

7) I just cannot remember who wore what in what party and when was it repeated and what people had to say about it. Gah..!! I hate that. I, fucking, cannot remember anybody's clothes and their designs and colours. I am half concerned about that. I don't care if some girl made some weird hairstyle and turned up yet again with the same funny looking thing on her head. I am so not concerned. 

8) I don't talk like girls. Forget about the content, even my way of talking resembles the way guys talk. I generally don't beat around the bush trying to explain one simple thing. I say it and its done. No thinking about it. I'll give you an example which once I discussed with two other friends of mine (one was a guy and the other one was a girl, just for name sake). We were talking about how both the genders talk when it comes to disclosing the details about their relationship. For instance, a guy if he is talking about sex, then he would talk about sex and nothing else. He would concentrate on everything related to his experience. On the contrary, a girl would give in details which are so not relevant. It doesn't really matter what she lip gloss she wore and what colour were her nails painted when she had sex. She'll talk about everything else except the topic. Grrr..!! That really gets on my nerves.

9) I am not a neatness freak. The only thing I need is a clean bathroom and a neat bed. I can go without dusting my room. And I wouldn't mind if I have a pile of clothes ready for laundry. 

10) You'll always find me wearing loose fitting clothes. I love wearing kurtas but I generally team them up with a pair of jeans. I simply cannot handle the churidars and the dupatta. It is now that I have learned how to wear a churidar properly and I still goof up specially in those party wear suits. I wish I could just wear simple trousers/jeans and kurta everywhere. 

Now I am supposed to tag 12 people

1) Nipun
2) Renu
3) Atul
4) Supriya
5) Atul
6) Sepo
7) Vandy
8) Mehak
9) Sakshi

And if you like this tag and you haven't been tagged, feel free to take it up just like i did.. :)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

A life that I want

I don't know how I am going to tell you this but I would try to explain in the best possible words. Something happened to me while I was sitting in the office today. I mean, I just wanted the time to stop around me. You know, like the way they show in the movies. Everything around you comes to a stand still and you are the only one moving. Or better still, everything around you is moving at its regular pace and you are the one who stops then and there. I know, I am not able to explain the exact feeling I had but I just wanted to be alone that very moment. I just wanted to walk out and drive back home with loud music playing in the car, not enjoying the music alone but the weather too.

Guys, you know what, I have this burning desire to live a very simple life. I was just trying to imagine myself in it. A life in which there is nothing much to think about. A life in which I do not have to deal with the complexities that otherwise come free with the surroundings and the people living in it. I don't just want a simple life, but a simple mind too. 

I have an image in my mind of a simple life. And that is something I crave for. Yes, crave is the right word. Hunger is what I can relate it too. A hunger to make my life simple. 

I often imagine myself living in a house all by myself. A house built the way I want it to be. Every nook and corner to be decorated according to my likings. I yearn to be lost in my thought probably working on a story, a piece of fiction. Sitting in the balcony, I watch the rain drops as they fall upon the leaves making them look greener and more fresh. While I sip my coffee, I let my mind wander in all directions guided by emotions that make a person smile and yet leaves a mark by bringing a tear to the eye. I want to feel the emotions and not just watch them go by. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel the happiness. I want to feel all that I see everyday.

I want to enjoy the rain which I haven't done for the past 10 years. A dance in the rain would make me happy and that happiness is what I want to feel. Perhaps, I want my tears to flow as the rain drops fall on my face. I want to feel that sorrow too. I want to live in a place where nobody would stare at my t-shirt getting wet and transparent while I stand in the rain. I just want to spend some time alone. A time that I can spend understanding emotions in their purest form. 

I want to watch children play. I want to hear the birds chirp. I want to smell the fragrance that comes from the wet mud. I want to hear the oceans roar. I want to watch the sun set beyond the horizon. I want to feel the wind blowing against my face. I want to sit silently thinking about nothing in particular. I want to enjoy that very moment to the fullest. 

I know, a lot of people might not really understand what I actually want. All I can say is that I do not want to sit in the front of the computer working all day in a closed office space where the mind does nothing but think about money. I don't want to be surrounded by bills and invoices and documents and all the paper work that we do in a usual office setup. Thats not what I want to live for. It is not the life that I could have imagined ever. It is not the life that would leave me content. 

Its not that I want to live alone all my life. Like every other person, I want to get married. I too want to spend my life with a man who loves me more than he has ever loved anyone before. I want to have my own children. But there is something I want to do before I have my own family. I want to live my life alone. It does not mean that I will not stay in touch with anyone, not even my parents. Hell, no. Thats not it. But I want to go to a place where people don't know me. I want to spend time thinking. All alone. I want to do all those things which wouldn't be possible after I get married. I want to go to a place where a woman can walk peacefully and not fear being stalked on the way. I just want to live life my own way.

And if I still don't make sense to you, go watch Wake Up Sid. You know what, when I saw this movie I had this feeling that the makers of this movie have read my mind. It is so much similar to my own desires. I just wish my life could be like that of Konkona Sen in the movie. 

Watch this song and see my emotions flow through