Monday, January 18, 2010

What comes first and what comes last..??

A few days agao, My best friend Harpreet had the following status message on facebook:

"people do change for gud.... u jus need to hav faith...... :) i too believe i will change, and learn tons from my mistakes n never repeat dem, if only i get forgiveness from da one i hurt......"

And this made me think. Do people really need forgiveness to learn from their mistakes and move on. True it is that forgiveness makes you feel light but I think its a bigger challenge to learn from what mistakes you have done in the past without being forgiven. I am not giving my critics about forgivensss being good or bad for the healing heart. All I am putting forward is my view about how you can move ahead without being forgiven. It will be a cakewalk if you are forgiven for your wrong deeds.But as I said, the bigger challenge lies when you (with a pure heart and soul) want to rectify those mistakes and that too without anybody's support.

Forgiveness comes automatically if you mend your ways. What do you think is better. Being forgiven first and then correcting your mistakes or is it that you first gather all the courage that you need to correct those deeds and then being forgiven. Will it be the same if a hurt heart forgives you before you correct yourself. Lets imagine a scenario to undertsand this.

Imagine a girl who betrayes her husband and goes to another guy. Two-time is a more appropriate word than extramarital affair. Neither does she tell her husband about that guy nor does she tell that guy about her husband. And one fine day (well it must not be fine for all the three involved), the girl confesses her wrong deeds in front of her husband and the guy too. The husband forgives her on the condition that she will mend her ways and they live happily ever after.

Now imagine if this girl corrects herself and comes out of the mess on her own self (without her husband's forgiveness) she will emerge as a winner both in her own eyes as well as in her husband's eyes. If, only once, she gathers herself up and accepts her mistakes and puts her heart and soul in correcting those mistakes and proves to her husband that she is out of this, won't it be better for their lives. Wont there be trust (the same trust that was lost).

No, I am not saying that the latter is the correct way but yes it makes the battle difficult and hence makes you stronger.

There is no surety that the girl will never ever indulge in anything of this sort in future. But if she really wants to improve herself then the second case is most appropriate. And that is where comes in, what is called, faith. Yes, faith that the husband must have in her wife that she will improve. The faith which the wife must have in her husband that he will support her even if he doesnt forgive her.

If I were in her place, I wouldn't have asked for forgiveness. Ummm, maybe I would have since that would have been the easier way out. But yes, correcting your mistakes and then asking your forgivness makes more sense to me.

What do you think. Should forgiveness be the first step? Or should it be the last?

24 comments:

harpreet said...

Well abt my post.... i corrected my mistake, learnt a lifetime lesson from it, and dan i am asking for forgiveness, the time i tuk to learn may seem less to u or to any one else as a matter of fact.... but i learnt a valuable lesson... i did wat u thot was the right way.... and im sure if i will luk back at my mistakes few yrs down da line i will still have plenty to learn from it even den....

The Bald Guy said...

I feel it depends on person to person and situation to situation. Here, the situation you mentioned, it is important that the husband forgives the wife first, else no matter how much the wife mends her ways, there would always be a little doubt in his mind so the relation would never be the same again.

Personally, I feel, that once you cheat on a relation, then there is no future to it.

You should either forget it and move on, forget, not forgive, because that is very hard to do, or shoot the bitch.

Chanz said...

@ harpreet : we'll talk abt it latr.. :)

Chanz said...

@ Ramit : well I dont agree here.. I feel that the wife should nt be forgiven until and unless she proves to her husband that she is a changed person. And if the husband choses not to forgive her even after she has come back n the track then he is just making her suffer. There is no doubt that the husband must have had his share of sufferance but that does not mean that he shouldnt give her a chance. Sometimes, it is just a matter of fate that makes you lose your mind and do wrong. But then again, we cannot blame our fate for our wrong doings.

the husband and the wife both need to put in extra effort to make things work. I dont agree when you say that there is no future to such a relationship. If you do one mistake then it is not necessary that you have to suffer your entire life for it. If a person is willing to change then he/she definitely doesnt deserve to be in darkness the entire life.

I am sure you must have heard the statement "subah ka bhoola agar shaam ko ghar wapas laut jaye to usse bhoola nahi kehte"

supriya said...

I never thought about it that way...b4 I read this post...
And fortunately I have taken the correction step always b4 the forgiveness...but then it was by chance and not by choice..
Reading this...makes me feel proud...and hope that it clears up my favourable choice from the 2 options..

punia said...

very complicated to understand...or may be above my standards....so in short forgive and chill...

Chanz said...

@ Supriya : m glad that i thought about this.. makes me feel that I am going on the right track.. :)

Chanz said...

@ Punia : hahaha... Forgive and chill...!!!

Sorcerer said...

Forgiveness is one solution to the problem if its fixed with that forgivness..But that gives a really wide open gap which kinda make it more and more uncomfortable.

annum said...

Given the subject you have considered, I think either of the two is okay if one truly forgives oneself and has grown out of it :)
About the status message of Harpreet, I really think that more than asking any one else for forgiveness, he should look into his own mistakes and take it as a lesson by believing that he's a human and forgiving himself.

@ease said...

this story has too many loose ends and pros-cons...
as far as harpreet's message is concerned, i second Annum's views.
one needs to forgive himself and dats all we need in our life. Its not about mine-or-your fault, rather we should think beyond that and grow above these all. After we are not God..!!

The Bald Guy said...

You're right Chandni, But I am not that big a man!

Maybe I've seen too much!

Gah!

Shivani said...

I have to agree with Ramit here - yes Chandni, I know he's foolish, but he has a point here.

Infidelity has no excuse. If the wife in this scenario has cheated, what is the guarantee that she wouldn't repeat it even after her husband has forgiven her?
Why did she have to cheat in the first place?
What was missing in their marriage? If something were, is it not anymore?
Had it been another situation (other than extra marital affair) - things would've been different. Forgiveness could've been expected and things would've been normal after one has forgiven the other.

Not in this scenario. Because here, even after the man has forgiven the woman, he would not be able to trust her even if he wants to. The relationship is doomed.
Trust me, Men are emotionally weaker than women.

Chanz said...

@ Sorcy: I didnt quite understand what you are trying to say... :(

Chanz said...

@ annum : exactly my point. It is better to look into your own self and correct those things rather than asking to be forgiven..

Chanz said...

@ @ease : Now you have brought in another aspect in this dicussion and that is to forgive your own self... Forgiving yourself comes in when you decide to rectify your mistakes. And yu cannot look into yourself until and unless you forgive yourself.

Chanz said...

@ Ramit : Ummmm.. maybe you have seen a lot. I dont go against your learnings. But everybody has their own way of solving a problem. I pointed out in my post that forgiveness in the beginning or forgiveness at the end are possibly the two solutions and one solution may be good in one case but may not work in the other. This is what is true here. But by and large I feel that if you look into yourself first and not worry abt being forgiven then it mkes you stronger which inturn will make you excel.

Chanz said...

@ Shivani : Lets for a minute assume that the woman got carried away due to some unavoidable circumstances such as blackmailing, or if she had a past with that guy and couldnt really control herself though she had in her mind that she did not have the guts to cheat her husband but some reasons made her do it. Then what. She had thought that she would come out clean but circumstances took the better of her. Maybe her fate played games with her. maybe her confidence of coming out of this problem suffered.

It is not necessary that the woman is at fault if she goes out with someone.

Yes @ease. Here I answer your question. The loose ends. This story was left for you to assume what all could have been the circumstances.

Shivani said...

hmmm.. complicated situation. Relationships are complex.

Not sure what would be the best thing to do in this situation

Chanz said...

I know sweety.. relationships are too complicated. It is best to avoid them.. :(

Renu said...

First thing that struck me was how times have changed earlier we never ever thought of girls straying..it was the prerogative of husbands only, and then if the unthinkable happened, no husband ever could forgive..divorce was the only answer.

Now coming to the post..learning from the mistakes is important and not repeating them is more important.rest is always a choice.

@ease said...

@ shivani: you have put my points in an elaborated and better way. thnx.

@ chanz: chakkar kya hai boss...??

;)

Chanz said...

@ Renu : Ummm, i agree that the times have changed a lot. But personally I feel that the bigger crime is to consider that only men can do such a thing. Thats not true. If women are quite capable of doing the good things then being human they can commit mistakes too. And there is no reason why theie punshment be more harsh. Not fair.

And yes, you have very rightly said that learning from the mistakes is important and not repeating them is more important

Chanz said...

@ @ease : Just a thought. Sometimes life can get complicated when you think too much.. :)