Friday, November 27, 2009

Nothing actually

I have been quite preoccupied of late. Not because of work but my own personal life. Well, don't put your brains at work. Let me clarify that it is not my love life or anything of that sort. Its just I, me and myself, thats facing the stupid idiot wrath of my own anger. I sit and wonder why are relationships so important in our lives? Why cant human beings live in isolation? Alone. Away from the world and away from its complexities. Why? Why? Why? I feel like screaming till I get an answer. But all I can do is cry and feel helpless. Tears flow down my cheeks while I write this. I am feeling too helpless. I have no clue about whats happening in and around me. I cant help but wonder, why do people have to expect so much from any relationship. Mother and father, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, cousins and ofcourse friends. And all those like me, who are single, atleast do not have to face the ongoing expectations of a partner. Thank god for that. Why can't people live their lives happily. There is one thing that I really admire about the western culture. They give time and space to people who need it the most. Frankly, I am not one of those who demands time and space of my own. Never. Infact I hate this to such extent that all those who ask me for space for themselves get nothing but bitterness from me. However, somewhere deep inside I know that a little time on our own wouldn't hurt anybody. I want to relax. I want to live life on my own. Without anybody expecting anything. 

I dont want to say this, but I have this feeling that I am being crushed from all sides by mammoth sized expectations. Everyone around me expects me to behave the way they would like to. And if I dont do even one thing out of all the things expected out of me, then it feels that I have made a blunder. I have a terrible headache right now. I want to turn off my laptop, take the blanket and put in on my head and go to sleep. But that doesn't always happen. When you really want to sleep then the wretched thing takes hours to come and leaves you all the more depressed. Thats the reason why I started writing even though I have nothing much to say tonight. Well actually, I have a lot to say. I really want to take it out of me. Its just getting bottled up inside  and I am afraid that it may burst out someday. 

I am sick of playing the goody two shoes. I feel sick inside. I want to do what makes me happy. for once. Just once. It should be just me. But thats not going to happen. People around me wont  let that happen. It is too much to take. I have to strike a balance between everything. On the contrary, it is getting on my nerves now. I really want to run away. Away from this turmoil. Away from the world. To a place where I see nobody. 


Rashmi said...

Wanna come with me, lets plan an place, unknown challenges.
I am serious...let me know.

Renu said...

Hey Chandni! dont let yourslef be bogged down by expectations...get someme time..but thinkone has expectaions only from the people one loves..if the people who love you expect something,then they will understand also if you explain them that it is making you miserable.

I know sometimes relations may be over bearing,just ignore those times..otherwise having people around you who love you is a blessing.

cheers ! take care !

punia said...

An old thought-Human is a social animal, so he/she is bound 2 surrounded by other humans in all possible forms bros,sis,frnds etc etc. So in case u r feelin d burden of expectations dan in return dont expect nythin 4m others also or say its always gud 2 ignore certain things vich bother u....

Chandni.. said...

Thank you Rashmi and Renu.

Renu, i know there is truth attached to what you are saying. But sometimes you dont really want the people around you to know that you rea feeling miserable. So we just keep quiet. And suffer. :(

And Rashmi. I think thats a good idea. I really wanna get out of all this. Count me in, Girl. Muuaahhh..

Chandni.. said...

Yo Punia. Thats how it should be. "Dont expect anything from anybody". Thats the secret.. Hahaha