Thursday, October 1, 2009

The enemy inside us...


The place smelled of rotten eggs. And I felt cold in the white negligee that I was wearing. I did not like the place. It was so dark and scary. There was something about this place which gave me goosebumps. I was wondering how did I come here wearing that negligee. My eyes looked around. They found nothing. Not a single soul was there. I could see a door. I think it was a door. It seemed far off. I tried to get up but couldn't. I did not have any energy to get up. But I had to reach the door. With all the strength that I had I got up from the cold floor and started walking. I think it was a huge hall. It wasn't  a room for sure. Step by step I walked towards the door. I felt dizzy. My knees hurt. As if I had fallen down with a thud. I didn't stop. At any cost, I had to reach for the door and get out. I tried hard. I moaned with pain. And then I noticed  a figure peeping at me from the door. I tried hard to concentrate. My eyes were heavy. I tried even harder to concentrate. Yes, It was him. I felt some strength coming back. I knew that he would hold my hand and take me out of this damp, cold and sticky place. I smiled. But it was dark. And I could not see his face. Maybe even he couldn't see my face. I walked towards him, slow but steady now. Maybe he was saying something. Yes, he was saying something. I could see his hands moving and could hear his voice. But I couldn't make out what he said. I concentrated. I couldn't hear a thing. I moved a little more further. More towards him. Maybe he was asking me to hurry up and walk towards him. Maybe he was extending his arms for me to hold on. Maybe he was standing there waiting for me to come to him. Why wasn't he coming towards me? He could see that I couldn't walk. And then it all came to me. We had a fight. And he had left me forever never to come back. I know that he still loved me but he thought that I was a maniac. No, I wasn't. I knew that. I am not a maniac. I am just a normal girl who loves a normal guy. Then what went wrong. I moaned. I felt my head throbbing. I could feel the pain in my head. It too felt heavy. I think it had hit something hard. I touched my forehead where it hurt the most. I could sense that there was a lump that was formed there. Yes, now I remember. He had pushed me. I fell down the stairs. 5 stairs there were. Not more. And I had hit something hard. Maybe it was a pillar. Yes. A pillar it was. But that was in our home. Then how did I come here? I wanted to cling to him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to be in his arms. Why wasn't he coming towards him. I stretched my arms towards him hoping that he would hold it. I took 4-5 hasty steps towards him. But he seemed too far. I had reached the door. He was standing in the door, wasn't he? Yes, he was. I concentrated. And then I knew that he was moving back. I could see that his arms were waving. As if he was saying the last goodbye. Why was he doing this? My eyes got blind with the tears that started flowing. I want him back. I want him back in my life. I don't want him to go. I called out his name. I asked him to stop. I couldn't see a thing but I kept walking. I won't let him go. Gathering all the strength that I had, I started running. My whole body hurt. But the pain of loosing him was more than the physical pain that I had. I wanted to reach out and grab him by the arm and say, "I love you". But he was far. I ran faster. I felt cold but I didn't bother. Just wanted to get close to him. And suddenly I fell. My legs hurt so much that it felt that they wee screaming at me to stop. I tried to get up, but there was something in the way. I couldn't. I could just see the figure getting fainter and fainter until I could see him no more...




Yes, this is what I call fear. Fear. Fear of failing an exam. Fear of loosing a job. Fear of being caught while telling a lie. Fear of being left out. Fear of loosing money. Fear of insanity. Fear of sexual abuse. Fear of being ridiculed. Fear of not doing well in business. Fear of having an accident. Fear of being isolated. And ofcourse, fear of loosing someone special. Fear. Our worst enemy.




All through our lives we have lived with either one or the other kind of fear in our minds. No matter how busy we are in our lives, we always get time to think about our fears. And because we give so much importance to our fears, it bounces back on us either in the form of dreams which we see at night with our eyes closed or during the day with our eyes wide open. It leaves a mark no matter what time we see it. I have my own fears. And so do you. I dread some things in life and so do you. I fear of being left out, I fear of being isolated. I fear of loosing those special people in my lives. And it all comes back to me. I fear and I day dream. And so do you. We all want some kind of security in ou lives. I want my friends (my close friends) to voice their feelings from time to time so that it does not get bottled up inside and blasts when the limit is crossed. I want them to be with me. I want them around me. I want them to talk to me. Every single day. I have my own fears.  You have your own fears.. We all have our own fears. From which we have no escape..

And so we keep our mouths shut and continue to live with our fears engraved in our minds, only to come out when the situation turns its back towards happy moments and the cloud of darkness takes over. They say, all dreams have a hidden meaning. I wouldn't deny that. 'Coz somewhere deep inside I too want to believe that. I want to find out the reason why I have those dreams. Why do we all have dreams. Dreams about our fears. Those nasty dreams which makes us sweat. For me, Fear + Dream = A Nightmare. I wish I knew how to overcome our fears...






3 comments:

annum said...

Ya, everyone has fear of losing something dearest to them...but sometimes this fear can be good, especially when it comes to driving...hehe...
it is becoz of the fear of meeting with a severe accident that I am more careful on roads.

AnjuGandhi said...

a life without fears? are we Gods. but fears give us the strength to fight them back and move on in the life

maglomaniac said...

Wonderful portrayal of fear.
Very deep and intense.When we know something is wrong but still can't figure it out.Our dreams or rather nightmares-the key to our answers or rather a question in themselves.
I loved the way you showed it.
~Harsha